The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, July 8, 2024
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

William Lloyd Garrison arrested

Police arrest civil rights activist on charges of flag burning.

Civil rights activist William Lloyd Garrison was arrested yesterday on charges of flag-burning. Mr. Garrison was taken into custody by Boston police near Jamaica Plain, in the Forest Hills Cemetery where he has been evading capture since 1879.

Senators Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) and Dianne Feinstein (D-California) initially praised the high-profile arrest. “Because we live in a free and open society,” said Senator Hatch, “we need to put people in jail for burning the flag.”

Senators Hatch and Feinstein were two of the flag-burning amendment’s greatest supporters in the Senate.

Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens called Garrison’s crime a “desecration”, and said that flag owners have no right to burn any flags that they own. “Flags are all owned by the United States Government,” said Justice Stevens.

Stevens congratulated Boston police on their arrest of Garrison’s corpse, and called on Congress to also make it illegal to “desecrate, destroy, or mutilate any Washington Monument replicas, White House replicas, or other knick-knacks and gew-gaws for sale in the Washington area.”

Because Mr. Garrison died over a hundred years ago, authorities needed to exhume his corpse to arrest him. However, by evening, officials returned Garrison’s body to his grave. According to Senator Dianne Feinstein, “further investigation revealed that Mr. Garrison burned the constitution and the bill of rights, not the flag. We have no problem with that.”

According to Senator Feinstein, “a recent survey indicated that three-fourths of students believe that the bill of rights is illegal. We’ll be talking to the other fourth as soon as the police finish with Mr. Garrison.”

  1. <- Supremes Rebuke Bush
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