The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, November 20, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Hero stops local mass shooting

Nation has no need to grieve, goes on watching sports and talking about election trivialities. Social media finger nannies hardest hit.

President Obama golfs

President Obama did not get to call for Australian-style gun confiscation this weekend. Instead, he enjoyed a round of golf with other bored DC officials.

In local news only, a local veteran stopped a disgruntled loser from committing mass murder last week at Umpqua Community College in Oregon. The veteran was an Oregon concealed carry permit holder, and, thanks to the Oregon State Board of Education’s co-operation with state concealed carry law, used his firearm to end the mass shooting before it became a mass shooting.

Oregon higher education officials praised the veteran, and congratulated themselves on not taking advantage of a loophole in the 2011 Supreme Court case that forbade public universities from banning guns on campus.

The loophole involved schools’ ability to control access to their own buildings, and to require students and others coming on campus to sign gun-free agreements. A motion to use the loophole came before the Oregon State Board of Higher in March 2012, six months after the Supreme Court allowed concealed carry permit holders to carry on campus.

“The lawyers found a way around the Supreme Court ruling,” said State Board of Higher Education member Jim Francesconi. “Looking back on it today, I cannot imagine how many would have died and been injured if we had not defeated that motion.”

“I don’t think I could handle it if I had supported that misguided policy then, and more people died today,“ added George Pernsteiner, chancellor of the Oregon University System. “They may be crazy but these killers always seem smart enough to choose a gun-free zone.”

Social media finger nannies voiced their disappointment with the outcome.

"It makes me sad,” said Californian Geoff Madmyn, pointing his finger at gun nuts. “I would have been able to post misleading statistics from other countries that ignores their death rates before gun control, that ignore non-gun killings, and that deliberately omit deaths from civil unrest.”

Former Democratic candidate for the Pennsylvania House Marcie Rumbrook added that the outcome was suboptimal from the social justice perspective, and pointed her finger at anti-abortion gun-nuts.

“After a mass shooting,” she said, “I like to pretend that gun ownership isn’t regulated, and immediately ask for regulations comparable to some much-less regulated activity, such as abortion or owning a vehicle,” she said. “That close to a mass shooting, the pro-gun-nuts are too stunned by my bravery to respond. I mean, you can get an abortion from a friggin’ non-profit political advocacy group founded by a eugenicist and we scream every time someone tries to require the surgery be performed in an actual surgical center with doctors or that children be required to get parental permission for one, but other than that the analogy works.”

Other anti-gun activists noted one silver lining. Brady Campaign to Protect Gun Violence activists Andrew and Colin Goddard said that “the only consolation is that since the shooter was stopped before he killed four or more people, this incident will not be counted as a mass shooting, and therefore no mass shooting was stopped by a gun owner. Both the loser and the hero will be forgotten in a few days.”

Family and friends of the unknown students and teacher who did not die were unavailable for comment.

  1. <- Stolen pallor
  2. Social justice degree ->