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Walkerville, VA
Monday, May 20, 2024
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Social Justice alternative thesis merits degree

Vester Lee Flanagan completes alternative thesis format, kills news reporters for passing grade.

Juicy watermelon: The juicy red flesh of a watermelon.; fruit

Thanks to required intro college courses, modern students recognize this apparently refreshing summer fruit as, in reality, a disguised microaggression and tool of white privilege.

San Francisco State University announced Friday that graduate student Vester Lee Flanagan’s ground-breaking—and controversial—whiteness studies thesis merits a degree in Social Justice.

According to university spokesperson Giovanni Gentile, Flanagan’s thesis “substantively expands student discussion through its sharpened focus on racial privilege.”

Mr. Flanagan’s alternative-format thesis, according to Gentile, took “combating racial inequality and all dimensions of injustice along gender, class, sexuality, and even ability lines to a new level. In his thesis, Mr. Flanagan pushed back against white heterosexual privilege, and refused to accept a situation that racism and xenophobia.”

Professor Foster Stearns of Columbia University’s Sealy College of Social Justice agreed.

“By refusing to accept the whitesplaining of obvious racism within the workplace, Mr. Flanagan epitomized the spirit of social justice in America,” said Stearns.

According to Stearns, Mr. Flanagan’s thesis was part of a new wave of alternative theses that also includes the Mattress Performance approved at Columbia, in which a mattress was used to falsely accuse a white male student of rape “to symbolize women’s status as victims and remind everyone that women often aren’t believed when they make accusations of rape.”

The Columbia University faculty member added that the false accusation has the “added benefit of making it harder for privileged white women to complain about rape.”

Stearns noted that Flanagan’s use of social media for his alternative-format thesis was “masterful, the best social justice warfare I’ve seen come out of a university yet. It’ll be hard to top this.”

Vester Flanagan became famous in August when, in the culmination of his thesis, he pushed back against the white privilege of two colleagues, using a 9mm handgun for the nontraditional portion of his SFSU thesis. In the traditional portion, Flanagan detailed several microaggressions from his colleagues, such as talking about “swinging by an address”, or “going out in the field to get an interview”.

“Thanks to the racial grievance instruction that all students learn,” said Gentile, “Flanagan recognized that his white colleagues were speaking in veiled language of the noose and the cotton field.”

“This is more than a passing grade,” Gentile added. “What struck me from the get-go is that Flanagan’s work comes from something which is so much more personal and so much deeper and so much less of a programmatic idea about what to do, but really about working something out cathartically and also making an enormous statement for change. And that’s what makes it so powerful.”

“His achievement in the field of social justice makes us very proud,” Gentile said. “This is why we teach students to be extremely sensitive to the unseen racial microaggressions that surround us at all times.”

The University has established a new scholarship in Flanagan’s name. The Vester Lee Flanagan Memorial Whiteness Studies Scholarship Fund for Pitiful Finger Nannies will reward students who achieve greatness in Social Justice.

The school dismissed conservative complaints, that schools were training niggardly killers, as obvious racism.

Cable news network MSNBC announced that, after reading Vester Lee Flanagan’s thesis, they would hire him as a broadcast journalist; however, they rescinded the job offer when they discovered he wasn’t white.

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