A long-standing rivalry between Ivy League schools Cornell and Columbia has erupted into a war of invitations after Cornell invited rude, lewd, and controversial director Kevin Smith to speak at the University on Saturday. Columbia students complained that they would have to drive four hours to be offended, so Columbia has one-upped their upstate neighbor by inviting Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to speak at the New York City university on Monday.

“Cornell couldn’t be controversial if they tried,” said Columbia President Lee Bollinger. “This is a university where cow-tipping is an approved major. Hey, Ezra, I’ll see your ‘inappropriate language’ and raise you some holocaust denial.”

Mr. Bollinger added that while Kevin Smith directed Dogma^•, Ahmadinejad practices it every day.

Columbia has come under some criticism for raising the stakes from sexual innuendo to holocaust denial and anti-semitism. Bollinger countered that they specifically brought Ahmadinejad to talk about the holocaust and Israel, describing the event as part of “Columbia’s long-standing tradition of serving as a major forum for robust debate.”

“They call him dictator,” added Bollinger. “To the unreasonable, to the anti-social and anti-civilized, to the lawless, to the right-wingers, he is dictator. To Iran—full of sterling human worth—to Iran, in my judgement, Ahmadinejad is liberator.”

Sources say Cornell will up the ante by inviting famed director and drinker Mel Gibson to speak next weekend, but Mr. Bollinger dared them to try. Bollinger said that Columbia already has plans to invite Hadden Clark if Cornell continues the rivalry. “And I’ll ask him pointed questions about murder and cooking methods,” he added, and then quipped, “put that up your anal fissure, Cornell.”