The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, September 18, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Mitt Romney: 9/11 mastermind

Media accuses Governor Romney of plotting 9/11 to embarrass President Obama. Obama responds by freeing unjustly accused Omar Abdel-Rahman.

Sheik Omar Abdel-Rahman

CBS and NPR discover photo of Mitt Romney in 1993.

There were riots against American embassies throughout the Middle East this past September 11, causing confusion among foreign affairs experts at major news outlets and within the White House.

“It appears to be a random date,” said President Obama at a Vegas fundraiser. “We can’t think of any reason for them to attack our embassies today.”

According to United States Ambassador to the United Nations Susan Rice, “Based on the best information we have to date, what our assessment is as of the present, we think maybe they were offended by a YouTube video? I can’t think of anything else important about today, nothing they might want to commemorate.”

President Obama furiously said that he has decisively flagged the YouTube video for review by Google in response to rioters burning down the United States embassy in Libya.

“We’re also thinking about unfriending them on FaceBook,” said Vice President Joe Biden.

“We’re still friends with them,” President Obama added quickly and firmly, and a touch furiously. “Just not friend-friends.”

Governor Mitt Romney, President Obama’s beleaguered opponent in the upcoming presidential elections, made irrelevant comments, and was mostly ignored by the media until new information arose that he held the key to understanding the day’s events.

Major media outlets, except Fox News, discovered that Governor Romney set up terrorist attacks in 1993 and in 2001 so that he could criticize the President for not acting decisively enough eleven years later. This turns out to be a major gaffe for Romney, as all major news outlets are reporting on his complicity in the World Trade Center attacks rather than on current news, which isn’t very important anyway.

“It’s a slow news day,” said New York Times media correspondent Brian Stelter.

According to Stelter, Fox News is complicit in Romney’s guilt. “As of 10:15pm, Fox News has not mentioned the Romney gaffe once. The Fox News focus is on burning embassies, the U.S. credit downgrade, the rising whatever trillion dollar debt, 23 million Americans out of work, unimportant distractions that no one cares about. Certainly no one in the White House.”

Stelter noted that this is further proof that Fox News is not a real news organization.

In response to this new information, President Obama has decided to release Sheik Omar Abdel-Rahman, the man previously accused of committing the 1993 attacks on the World Trade Center that led to the obscure September attacks in 2001. According to the White House, now that the true perpetrator has been found Abdel-Rahman will either be released to Egypt, be offered a job in the State Department, or take over for Joe Biden as Vice President.

Obama added that the election was now his. “Americans will never elect a president who consorts with terrorists, whose friends nail-bomb police and blow up government buildings.”

  1. <- Warren accuses corporations
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