The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, September 18, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

New York Times to cut jobs ahead of Obamacare

According to Times publisher Arthur Ochs Sulzberger, the cuts are unavoidable. “The Times cannot afford as many employees under the Affordable Care Act.”

New York Times newsroom 1942

Times profit margins are so thin, sources say, that the Grey Lady cannot afford computers or color photography, and is forced to use public domain stock.

The media world was shattered on Friday when it was reported—first in New York Magazine and confirmed by the Reader—that New York Times managing editor John Geddes, assistant managing editor Jim Roberts, dining editor Susan Edgerly, former Washington editor Rick Berke, and former Times Magazine editor Jerry Mazorati could all be casualties of the Times’s efforts to cut costs ahead of expensive Obamacare regulations.

Times executive editor Jill Abramson told staff in December that the paper had to cut 30 newsroom positions in order to pay for the increased health insurance and regulatory costs imposed by the so-called “Affordable” Care Act provisions set to take effect in 2013.

The mood at the Times journalism desks was one of confusion and fear, according to our sources at 620 8th Avenue.

“We’re not sure who the culprit behind these unexpected layoffs is,” said one anonymous staff writer. “I’ve heard rumors that some right-winger named T. Shelby Math is behind these pre-Obamacare layoffs.”

Investigative reporter Rick Redfern added that if he survives the layoffs, he will write an exposé on this shadowy villain for the Times. “I’ve already found some leads on conservative blogs and Wikipedia.”

The Reader attempted to contact T. Shelby Math for an interview, but this dastardly right-winger supposedly responsible for the New York Times layoffs is unlisted.

New York Times Sunday supplement editor Barbara Boopstein said that the Times will do everything they can to help their colleagues transition to the unemployment line.

“We will continue to write articles acclaiming the new rising economy where there are lots of jobs. And if that fails to produce results, we will also continue publishing funemployment stories describing how they can enjoy living with no job in their aging mother’s basement.”

Experts expected most Times staffers let go to quickly land on their feet.

“When you’re fired from the New York Times,” said media consultant S. Haden Freud, recently fired from Salon, “your career has nowhere to go but up. I trust that the great journalists of the Times will soon enjoy the lifestyle they wrote so much about in 2011 and 2012.”

Times spokesperson Eileen Murphy added that their job cuts were not as heartless as similar cuts by conservative employers. “Our cuts were absolutely necessary. The Times is barely profitable. Those right-wing corporations didn’t need to cut jobs. They’re making money. They produce products people want.”

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