Democratic candidate found wandering streets, babbling, in sweltering New York heat wave. “I’m telling you, it talked to me. It wished me a happy birthday!” (Stan Honda/AFP/Getty Images)

After Hillary Clinton appeared to collapse spasmodically in high-seventy-degree weather, the American press and other Democrats defended her by saying “all women faint when it gets hot.”

“That’s what women do,” said Mary Elizabeth Williams at Salon. “In more enlightened times, we had fainting couches for women, but the patriarchy has taken them away.”

Where do you think the saying, if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen, came from? It means, women can’t stand the heat. Certainly not the seventy-odd degree temperatures in New York that day.

Women from Africa and Texas were not consulted, according to our reporter, because they were all unconscious.

According to Clinton campaign insiders, the candidate’s problem was exacerbated by her refusal to drink water and contaminate her precious bodily fluids.

However, this campaign claim contradicts an earlier claim that Mrs. Clinton “drinks like a fish.”

According to MSNBC host Stephanie Ruhle, Hillary faces a “double standard”: when she lies, it’s held against her, and when we find out that she lied, that also is held against her.

Famous television scientist Neil DeGrasse Tyson defended the Democrat’s gaffe, saying, “My sense is that we don’t think enough about how much we collectively, yet unwittingly, force politicians to lie to us.”

Tyson added a defense of the candidate’s husband, saying that “it is worth thinking about how much women, collectively, yet unwittingly, force Bill Clinton to rape them.”

At a $6 million Manhattan fundraiser last Friday, Hillary Clinton agreed. “At least a third of all women are deplorable,” she told the crowd of wealthy liberals. “They’re a basket of trailer-park trash. And Bill’s had sex with all of them.”

Republicans are reportedly panicking following the Democratic candidate’s latest lies and gaffes. “We might win the election,” said one GOP strategist. “We’re not prepared for that.”

In the wake of her collapse, Hillary Clinton has released a new demand for the upcoming debates. “Donald Trump,” said her campaign staff, “must also sit on a wheelchair with an oxygen tank.”