The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, July 8, 2024
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

FAA calls for security rollback in airports

Investigators say that excessive civil liberties no longer considered a causative factor in Flight 800 crash.

The National Transportation Safety Board announced today that the most likely cause of the TWA Flight 800 crash was an “electrical fault”. According to Chairman Jim Hall, they ruled out criminal acts as the cause of the explosion.

When asked if there was any evidence that excessive American civil liberties played a role in the 230 deaths, Hall replied, “Definitely not. Had we found such evidence, we would have immediately referred the matter back to the appropriate law enforcement authorities for their action. Let me state unequivocally, the safety board found no such evidence.”

Public officials were quick to apologize to the American public for having attacked civil liberties in the aftermath of the Flight 800 crash. “We called for more roving writetaps and extending the power of the FBI to spy on Americans,” said President Clinton during a televised press conference. “I apologize for my overreaction to the Flight 800 tragedy. I and my fellow Democrats cynically used this loss of lives to try to override the constitution of the United States, and this was wrong.” Well-placed insiders said that the president was considering blaming Kenneth Starr.

“We were acting like a bunch of right-wing assholes,” said Vice President Al Gore, at a campaign stop in Biloxi. “As penance, we’ve promised to stop profiling passengers, and we’ll be reimbursing any Arabic immigrants for any delays or other financial difficulties our right-wing paranoia might have caused.”

Speaker of the House J. Dennis Hastert said that the House would immediately take up the repeal of 1997’s so-called “Anti-Terrorism Bill”, the FAA Reauthorization Act. “We waded in the passengers’ blood like it was Scrooge McDuck’s money bin,” said Hastert. “In retrospect it was a disgusting political feeding frenzy.”

“We are all deeply ashamed of our role in this matter,” said Minority Leader Richard Gephardt. “We won’t let it happen again.”

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