The Walkerville Weekly Reader

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Walkerville, VA
Monday, November 20, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Ariel Burr, first woman on U.S. currency

Trans female and founder finally overcomes 19th century transphobia and political rival as first woman on United States paper currency. Ariel Burr will be the new face of the ten dollar bill, says Jack Lew.

Hamilton-Burr duel

Ariel Burr, on the left, in a fashionably anachronistic 18th century dress.

There have been many famous transsexuals through history, but none more forgotten than Ariel Burr, née Aaron Burr, early American politician and founder. Ms. Burr, whose story has been hidden by transphobic textbooks and historians, will gain new notoriety as the face of the American sawbuck coming next year. Treasury Secretary Jack Lew announced today that the new ten dollar bill will feature this early nineteenth century vice president and once-prominent founder. Burr will replace Alexander Hamilton on what has until now been known colloquially as the “Hamilton”.

“It’s only fair that the first woman on United States paper currency should be an other-born,” said NAACP spokesperson Rachel Dolezal, a black woman from Seattle, Washington, born white.

Burr is famous for her bravery during the American revolution, as well as for vehemently disagreeing with Alexander Hamilton over the interior decoration of the early Treasury Department, which Hamilton founded. The duel lasted to the end of Hamilton’s life, and haunted Burr to the end of hers.

“Good interior design,” said Ms. Burr, “like gender, is whatever is boldly asserted and plausibly maintained.”

Women’s groups devolved into pointless bickering over whether it is appropriate for someone not born into a woman’s body to be the first woman on paper money. The controversy began before the ten dollar bill announcement, when the long-running Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival announced it would shut down rather than encourage womyn-born-myn to attend.

“Womyn-born-womyn have already lost the first womyn presidency to Bill Clinton,” said bitter feminist Hillary Rodham. “Now we’re losing the ten dollar bill, too?”

The big losers after Lew’s announcement are conservatives, who had argued in favor of putting Harriet Tubman, a gun-wielding Republican involved in the slave trade, on the ten-spot.

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